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Most of us were taught by our parents and teachers that the secret to success is improving our weaknesses. As it turns out, this is completely wrong-headed. You can focus on your weaknesses all you want, but you will likely only make marginal improvements. However, if you will focus on your strengths—those things that you are naturally good at and come easily to you—you can make huge strides. In fact, when you do so, you will be more happy and fulfilled. Not only that, you will make your greatest contribution to the world.

Buckingham starts off with startling statistics relevant to the modern woman: despite a wealth of opportunities, women are less happy than they were forty years ago and less happy relative to men. While an extra hour of free time will double a man’s feelings of relaxation, it will do nothing for a woman. Studies show that having kids only amplifies both of the previous statements. Six major studies of happiness also show that “though women begin their lives more fulfilled than mean, as they age, they gradually become less happy. Men, in contrast, get happier as they get older” (p.19).

These statements are sobering. Buckingham postulates as to why the studies are giving these results: Some women are trying to have it all (all at the same time). Some women are in an unfullfilling career. Some women are multitasking and taking on too much. Some are afraid of change. But all of the unhappy, unsatisfied women have one thing in common: they are not paying attention to what strengthens them.

What are your strengths? What does your strong life look like? Perhaps surprisingly, living a strong life means much more than “doing what you are good at.”  Living a strong life means being successful (as defined by you), instinctively looking forward to tomorrow, growing and learning, and having your needs fulfilled. You find your stong life by paying attention to those moments that strengthen you: when do you feel an emotional high? When do you positively anticipate your day? When do you become so involved in what you are doing that you lose track of time? When do you feel invigorated at the end of a long, busy day? When do you get to do the things that you really like to do? According to Buckingham, the happiest and most successful women find that they can says “everyday” to at least four out of five of these questions.

There were a good many portions of this book that I felt were applicable to me. I’m a mommy-tracked professional who is still somewhat career-minded. I’ve always been told that I am pretty good at what I do and I have degrees and certifications that I worked very hard to earn. I’ve said before that I enjoy my career the same way that I enjoy putting together a jigsaw puzzle: sometimes it’s fun to figure things out, other times it is frustrating and I want to give up. The jigsaw puzzle is never really a fulfilling endeavor – even once it is complete, the joy is fleeting. At least the jigsaw puzzle doesn’t require a daily commute, time-wasting meetings or office politics.

I can honestly say that my career has rarely strengthened me as Buckingham defines it. I’ve known this since I graduated from college – maybe even before that. But it’s something that I have always pushed aside. I’ve had the attitude that my career doesn’t define me – it’s what I do because I am good at it. I’ll do the things that I enjoy the rest of the time. I can see the faults in that thinking and I can see how I could become one of those women who is progressively less happy. Because my career doesn’t strengthen me, it will gradually weaken me.

There is not an easy solution to this predicament since every person is different. Buckingham advises keeping track of individual moments that strengthen or weaken you. Track these for a few weeks and notice the trend. He also has developed the “Strong Life Test” which is like a watered-down, simplistic version of Kerisey’s work on temperament. (I scored as an “Advisor,” which was pretty accurate: you can be demanding and opinionated, but above all you are discriminating: “good enough” is never good enough for you.“)

The book offers some fairly fluffy stories of women who figured it all out: a woman who opened an incredibly successful cupcake store, a woman who became a Hollywood agent, a woman who put together sewing seminars and then was contacted to represent a sewing machine company. They are nice stories, and they are somewhat inspirational while also seeming somewhat unrealistic.

This is a good book if you find yourself craving balance (Buckingham will tell you sorry, but it doesn’t exist) or if you feel that you are in a rut. I think that this book is just as relevant for men as it is for women, and I can’t help but wonder if the focus on women is a bit of a marketing ploy. There is good food for thought dispersed randomly throughout the book, but there are no answers given; only a few rudimentary tools that may or may not point you in the direction you need to go.

There is no right or wrong place for babies to sleep. Wherever all family members sleep the best is the right arrangement for you and your baby. Dr. William Sears

I co-slept with Calvin until he was about eleven months old. I loved co-sleeping very much: there was nothing quite like snuggling up with my baby and knowing that he was safe and sound. He would wake at night to nurse, and a minute after latching him on I would drift back to sleep. When I woke in the night I could lay my hand on him to make sure that he was all right. Almost every night I slept pretty well.

Things were so good that I didn’t even understand the big deal about night-weaning. We were all pretty happy with our arrangement, and I was fine if it continued indefinitely. I read stories of night-weaning that happened when the mom told the baby “the milks go good night when the sun goes down” and I figured that would be me, too.

That was before things started going downhill. I can’t say when it began to happen with regularity, maybe around the time he was seven or eight months old. He was nursing more than he did as an infant, but even worse was the very frequent night-wakings. If he woke up for more than a minute or two, he was destined to be awake for at least two hours. I tried a lot of different things, but I became convinced that night-weaning was probably going to be the answer. Many pediatricians and lactation consultants (Jay Gordon and my own pediatrician among them) recommend night-weaning no earlier than 12 months. A bit begrudgingly I accepted this, and I decided to wait a few more months before making any changes.

Things went even further downhill when he was eleven months old, and I decided that I just couldn’t take it anymore. To be perfectly honest, the nighttime issues were starting to make me feel resentful. I was having trouble sleeping because I was so anxious that he would wake up, and then I was having trouble sleeping because he continued to wake up, sometimes for long stretches. I devised a night-weaning plan: my husband would sleep with Calvin for several nights until he became used to the idea of no longer nursing through the night. We picked a weekend to do it.

And then I changed my mind. I decided that what needed to change was the co-sleeping. Co-sleeping meant a lot to me, but it didn’t seem to mean much to Calvin. As long as he could nurse, he really didn’t care where he slept or who was next to him. Co-sleeping had also been a matter of convenience in the earlier days when I knew that he needed to nurse very frequently, but I now knew he could go longer between feedings. So my plan completely changed: we would stop co-sleeping but we wouldn’t night-wean.

The first three or four days were rough as he got used to the change. I don’t think this would be too much different than the protests he would have made about night-weaning. I continued to nurse him on cue past a designated time (my husbanded handled any wakings before 2am, I handled them after that point). At first he continued to nurse twice a night. A few weeks later it became once a night. Now it’s sometimes once a night, and other nights he sleeps through the night.

By the way, the first time Calvin legitimately slept through the night was one day after his first birthday.

How do I feel about co-sleeping after all this? I still think that it’s great. There are still some days that I want to snuggle up with Calvin for a nap. Sadly his sleep associations are so different now that he usually doesn’t want to do this. I look forward to the day when he is a little older and we can all nap together. I am really glad that we co-slept in those early months and I will do it again with subsequent babies.

Having read some of Alfie Kohn’s work, I’m familiar with some of this – especially the information about praise being bad. This sounds like a good book, but I’m not sure if I’ll get around to reading it since it seems to be somewhat similar to Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting.

I found this book to be a nice change of pace: though it’s not 100% AP, it’s definitely not 100% mainstream modern parent, either. It’s the “truth somewhere in the middle” version that I sometimes find myself subscribing to. APers will mostly take issue with Rosemond’s mocking attitude towards the family bed. Some APers that border on the consensual living side of the spectrum will take issue with his use of time-out and his stress of the importance of the parent as the authoritative figure. There are a few other non-AP stances, but for the most part this book is about using gentle discipline during the “terrible twos”, the period of time from 18 months to 36 months.

Since I mention the non-AP parts of the book, let me mention the parts that are AP. Rosemond discusses the importance of attachment during a child’s formative years. He talks about how when a child has a need and is demonstrating it by being clingy, for example, the right thing to do is to meet that need and give the child the assurance that he needs. He goes over developmentally appropriate behavior. He states that only a child who is secure in his parent’s ability to care for him can someday move on towards an autonomous state. He speaks about the importance of trust in the parent-child relationship and how this trust forms early and must continue to endure. Sounds pretty good for a book that is marketed to the mainstream parent, right?

I mentioned that after reading Alfie Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting” I didn’t know how I would reconcile my traditional upbringing with all the research on various discipline techniques. Kohn demonstrates the many problems with traditional or authoritarian-style discipline, but I was left feeling overwhelmed. I know myself, and I know my husband. We try hard but frankly there is no way that we can be the unconditional parent that Kohn describes. Rosemond’s book helped me see that there was a practical solution. I can rely on gentle discipline techniques, and they can be just as (or more) effective than so-called traditional techniques such as spanking.

Rosemond’s steps to “creative” discipline are:

• First, manage the child’s environment properly
• Second, communicate properly
• Third, be proactive as opposed to reactive concerning problems

That sounds just a little bit like what Kohn says, doesn’t it? The difference is that Rosemond talks about how children need limits, because “a child who does not know where his parents stand must test ad infinitum.” Testing raises the level of stress in the parent-child relationship, so the parent must communicate to the child that “I know where I stand, and I know where I want you to stand.” Kohn talks about how children need unconditional love, and I agree with much of what he says… I just fail to see how providing a framework for the child can ever equate to conditional love. I think that equating a time-out to a “love withdrawal” is just a little over the top.

I appreciated the real-life examples and the practical advice that Rosemond gives. Just a few of my favorites:

• Don’t use the word “don’t.” This word is extremely abstract and children are extremely concrete thinkers (I had never thought of that before, but how true!)
• The most effective time for dealing with misbehavior is before it occurs (proactive vs. reactive). Rosemond repeats the adage “strike while the iron is cold” several times. Anticipate the problem, plan a way to deal with the problem, communicate it to the child, and when the problem finally does occur, implement your strategy until the problem is solved.
• With two-year olds it’s not always possible to correct behavior, sometimes you can only contain it.

I liked it. It will rub some APers the wrong way, and it will probably rub some traditional-style parents (the “spare the rod” crowd) the wrong way. But if you want some practical advice, this book might help. He also has a great chapter on potty learning. (I might as well mention…  previous to reading this book, I thought that “potty learning” was one of the stupider terms I had seen on mothering.com.  From now on, I’ll use it.)

Is Iron Supplementation Necessary? For the breastfed baby, the answer is usually “no.”

How do you go about muddling through the available research on vaccines? The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert Sears is a worthwhile addition to any new parent’s library. Sears answers the following questions about the AAP-recommended vaccines:

• What is the disease?
• Is the disease common?
• Is the disease serious?
• Is the disease treatable?
• When is the vaccine given?
• How is the vaccine made?
• What ingredients are in the vaccine? (and, are any of these controversial?)
• What are the side effects of the vaccine?
• And finally, the ultimate question: Should you give your baby the vaccine? Sears presents the case from both sides of the argument. He then gives his own opinion.

In the end, Dr. Sears is predominantly pro-vaccine. For instance, Chapter 1 is devoted to the HIB vaccine. HIB is virtually eradicated in the United States – only 25 cases per year. It is a serious disease with a 5% fatality rate and 25% chance of brain damage. However, it is treatable, especially when caught early. This vaccine has one of the safest side effect profiles, however it does have a controversial ingredient (aluminum). On top of this, there is also concern that this vaccine may contribute to juvenile diabetes.

For me, the decision not to vaccinate for HIB was a no-brainer. I found this to be one of the easier vaccine decisions. However, Sears doesn’t share my point of view. He concludes Chapter 1 by stating ” Since the disease is so rare, HIB isn’t the most critical vaccine. But it’s definitely high on the Top Ten list.” Umm, Dr. Sears – I only counted twelve vaccines on the AAP list. The “Top Ten” comment is relatively meaningless, especially when you have similar comments about the other vaccines.

Despite that, I recommend Sears’ book because it has fairly up-to-date information on the currently-recommended vaccinations. (Sidenote:  there is another popular vaccination book, “What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Children’s Vaccinations.” Unfortunately this book is rather out of date).  As a delayed/selective or sometimes even a non-vaxer, I appreciate Sears presentation of reasons not to vaccinate. More often than not, this has been the route that I choose to take. Sears also provides an alternative schedule for those who chose to selectively vaccinate. It still contains some of the no-brainers on my list (HIB, Roatvirus) but this might be a good choice for the parent who is unwilling to completely forego vaccinations.

If you are still having trouble deciding what to do, I recommend perusing the CDC Pink Books.

A week or two before picking up this book, I knew absolutely nothing about the Orthodox Church. If you had asked me, I would have guessed that it was some division of Catholicism. My ignorance was rather profound given my Christian upbringing. I learned that in the first few centuries after Christ, the division between the Eastern and the Roman (Western) church was at first geographical. The division became very real and permanent when the Roman church began to re-interpret the established church doctrine. The Orthodox church holds very strongly to the views and practices of the original New Testament church and the ecumenical councils. In my reading so far I have found that it truly is an unchanging church.

The author presents an eye-opening critique of one of Protestantism’s main tenets: sola scriptura. If you’ve ever wondered why there are so very many different Protestant sects, sola scriptura is your answer. Was the Bible really meant to stand alone? Writes the author, “Without the Church being there to interpret, to shed the light of holy tradition on those chapters and verses, you and are in a dead heat: his interpretation versus yours.” To Protestants with “Romaphobia,” the use of holy tradition seems very Catholic and thus concerns them.

This book is a great introduction to those unfamiliar with Orthodoxy. If you’re background is Protestant then you are really in for a wild ride, but you’ll find that it is hard to ignore the validity of the arguments.

My baby is one today. In honor of his birthday, I decided that I should finally write down his birth story.

I had been planning a natural childbirth long before I was even pregnant. When I moved to Atlanta I quickly figured out which hospital would let me have a waterbirth and I also found an awesome midwife and began to see her. Although I am a supporter of homebirth, I really wanted my first to be born in a hospital, minus the typical hospital experience. Fortunately that option was available to me.

I was due in mid-August 2008. August came and went. My midwife began talking about the unthinkable: induction. I really did not want to be induced. I really feared being induced. I have read so many horror stories of failed inductions as well as stories of women who believe that pitocin contractions are much worse that natural contractions. Since I was going drug-free, this was certainly a concern. But my midwife promised a “low and slow” pitocin drip. Best of all, we would turn off the pitocin once labor got going. With that reassurance (as well as additional reassurance from my doula) I felt fairly ready when I checked into the hospital on the morning of September 2nd.

I was monitored for a little while and we discovered that I was already contracting a bit. These contractions were barely noticeable to me, but the machine was picking them up. My doula thought that this was a good sign and that I would experience a successful induction (I should mention that I had a fairly good Bishop’s score – I was already 2 cm and 70% effaced). Still, I was nervous. I felt that my goal had changed from having a natural childbirth to simply having a vaginal birth. When the nurse asked me if I was going to want an epidural, I said “I’m not sure.” This was really a reflection of my fear. She later told me that she went ahead and ordered the epidural, since most people who talk like that do end up with one!

The pitocin drip started around 10 am. As promised, it was a very low dose (we started at 2). Throughout the morning and afternoon the nurse increased the dosage. I spent most of the morning in bed, trying (but failing) to sleep. We watched TV, we chatted. Later in the afternoon, the contractions really started to pick up. I remember the doula telling my husband “we should probably turn off Seinfeld now.” (My husband later told me that he was a little bummed about that, because it was one of the episodes that he had never seen.) Thanks to my doula’s notes, I can tell you that labor progressed as follows:

4:30PM – Midwife checks me and I am 4cm, 90%. I remember she told me that I would give birth by midnight.

4:45PM – I got out of bed and moved on to the birth ball

5:30PM – I become much more serious, contractions intense. Pit was lowered (had been at 24).

6:50PM – The pit is turned off (yay!). 6cm. We walked the hallways for a bit.

7:30 PM – David made me some Easy Mac (great food for labor). It was really difficult, but I did manage to eat some of it.

8:25PM – I’ve only been off the pitocin for an hour and a half, but my contractions have started to space out.

9PM – Talk with the midwife and we decide it’s time to break the water. 7cm. Shortly thereafter I go through transition. I remember saying “I’m going to throw up” and then, of course, I did. I remember thinking “This is a good sign!” and being somewhat pleased about it. I labored on my left side in the Sims position for awhile. I rested as much as possible.

Not too long after that, we moved to a new room with a large tub. Labor was intense, and I remember David expressing some concern for me. My doula reassured him that everything was fine.

Shortly before midnight I got into the tub. At first it was a welcome relief, but then I discovered that there was still a lot of work to do. The midwife checked me and to my relief, I was complete. However, contractions were still irregular. I heard someone mention pitocin and I thought “Noooooooooooooooooooo!” Fortunately there was another alternative that was easy, painless and free: nipple stimulation. My husband poured water over my nipples, which releases oxytocin and helps speed up labor. After we began doing this, contractions began picking up again.

We soon moved on to the pushing stage. I pushed for almost three hours. It’s hard to describe what it feels like to push out a baby. You almost expect that you are about to break in half. It’s intense. To be perfectly honest, at this point I had decided that the whole natural childbirth thing was a crock. I decided that there was no way I would ever do this again… that next time I would get an epidural or maybe even a c-section. However, I had said that I would have a natural childbirth so I was going to follow-through and do it this time. It’s a good thing that I am so stubborn or I might not have been able to do it.

So there I am, in the middle of the most intense experience of my whole life. And all of a sudden… Whoa! There is a baby being handed to me! It was probably the most amazing moment of my whole life. All I could do was say “oh my gosh! oh my gosh!” I remembered from the waterbirth class that I was supposed to keep the baby nestled close to me in the water so that he would stay warm. I held him for a bit and then David cut the cord. The midwife said that he looked like a big boy. Indeed he was – 9lb 14oz.

My biggest regret is that I don’t have any pictures of the birth – my doula was in charge of the camera and she had a hard drive crash shortly thereafter. I’m still sad about that, but it seems like a fairly small complaint given that in the end I had a healthy baby and the birth experience that I had wanted.

In a future post I will talk about other regrets.

• January 2005 – I experience my first anxiety attack.
• Throughout 2005,  I continue to do too much: I work too much, I take several graduate courses, and I study for the CPA exam. My husband and I sell our house in Tampa and move back to Atlanta.
• December 2005 – I have finished graduate school, I have passed the CPA exam, I am where I want to be in life. But the anxiety is still there.
• Early 2006 – I begin to realize that there is a name for what I am experiencing, that it is a real condition and that I should see a doctor. Sometime thereafter I begin taking anti-depressants. (Note: I was never depressed, just anxious – though ever-present anxiety will certainly make a person feel down at times).
• I experienced some ups and downs while on the medication – weight gain and towards the end, night sweats. But I remained on Zoloft until June 2007, per my doctor’s advice.
• Throughout two weeks in mid-June, I very slowly weaned myself from Zoloft. I do not recommend stopping the drugs cold-turkey. I can’t remember my exact schedule, but I took progressively smaller doses. Towards the end I think I took a very small dose every other day. My only side-effect from this experience was a sense of dizziness that lasted several weeks. This is a normal side effect.

Once weaned from Zoloft, I did not experience any increase in anxiety. I felt much the same as I had while on the medication (minus the night sweats!) In December 2007 I became pregnant. I never felt anxiety while pregnant, which is rather amazing considering that “worry is the work of pregnancy.” Almost two years later and I find that I very rarely experience anxiety. I won’t lie – it does happen sometimes. Sometimes I can trace it to a trigger and sometimes it comes out of the blue. But it is infrequent and it doesn’t last long. I can usually quickly deal with it and then I move on.

If you’re battling anxiety, I hope that my experience gives you some hope. Identify the root causes. Change your lifestyle. Take drugs if you need them. Don’t stay on the drugs too long, though. Grow and learn from the experience.