Recovering from Anxiety

Since I have written so much about the experience of anxiety and my road to recovery, I thought it would only be fair to write about what it is like to be 99% recovered from the experience. First, a quick recap:

• January 2005 – I experience my first anxiety attack.

Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety

This time the bargain bin really panned out. I picked this up on a whim, after the juxtaposition of motherhood and anxiety caught my eye.

I spend more than my fair share of time on the internet, and one of the things that I like to read about is motherhood. I read blogs and message boards like mothering.com. I want to learn about the real deal, the raw and unadulterated account of the realities of motherhood. From my years of very informal research, I’ve learned that one must sacrifice many of the pleasures in life for the sake of the children. Don’t expect any more nice vacations or meals out. Don’t expect time to yourself- not to sleep, read, go to the gym, or simply veg. Certainly don’t expect your husband to help out. The only pleasure you will find in life will be through your children. The woman’s identity fades into the background. Her career, her marriage, her sense of self all suffer when she buys into the culture of sacrificing self for the sake of the children.

Sucky life leads to sadness

One blogger alleges that most people are depressed for a very good reason. The thesis is that it’s normal to be sad when your life sucks. It’s strange to nod my head in agreement while I simultaneously feel a little defensive.

Anxiety workshop

I’m learning that the approach to anxiety must be twofold. First, you must inspect the root cause. The ultimate focus of this step is healing. Second, you must make changes in your lifestyle to deter anxiety. Both steps are equally important. Both can and should be undertaken simultaneously.

Doctor’s orders

Last Friday I met with my totally-awesome family doctor to discuss my Zoloft prescription. Some people advise against relying on a PCP for mental health issues. I say that I am still mentally sound and able to make that decision for myself. I’ve researched my issues and talk to my doctor about my concerns. I trust him while still acknowledging that I am my best advocate.

Zoloft is making me fat

I hate to admit it, but there it is: Zoloft is making me fat. Additionally, it’s making me tired. I can easily sleep ten hours at night and take a two-hour nap during the day… and then do the same thing the next day, and the next day. Oh yes, and there is one other unpleasant side effect: night sweats.

Running through anxiety attacks

I experience a lot of spontaneous, out of the blue anxiety attacks. Other times my anxiety can easily be traced to certain events or happenings. Most unfortunately, running is one area of my life that can cause a lot of anxiety. Remember that I was running when I experienced my first anxiety attack? It hasn’t let up much since then.

Diagnosis: Anxiety

January 2005: I was jogging on the treadmill at Family Fitness in Hyde Park, Florida. I was pushing myself to run harder and faster because I wanted to run a 5k that spring. At the same time, I was thinking about how I needed to start studying for the CPA exam. Both goals were daunting to me, and I shouldn’t have been thinking about them during tax season. There was already plenty on my plate.

As I ran, I gasped for breath. My chest felt tight and constricted. I really wanted to breath in deeply, but I couldn’t. Frustrated, I finished the run and went home. That night I laid on my bed, trying to calm myself. My chest still felt constricted and I had a smothering sensation, like I couldn’t get enough air. I tried to relax, but I just couldn’t. I had another long day at work the next day, plus my other goals weighed heavily on my mind.

Year End

I am a big fan of all things having to do with the end of one year and the beginning of the next. I enjoy this reflection that the calendar forces upon me.

Last year at this time I found myself newly transplanted back to Atlanta. I had just achieved two major milestones: the completion of grad school and CPA certification. I had left public accounting and I was pursuing other avenues of interest. These were all things that I had desperately wanted, yet my daily life had become crippled by an overwhelming sense of anxiety. My main goal in 2006 was to rid myself of the anxiety. Though I am not completely there yet, I am so much closer now than I was then. On paper it doesn’t appear that I accomplished much else, but that would be very deceiving. I relearned how to relax and how to have fun. David and I spent countless hours in our yard, landscaping and tending the vegetable garden. We went whitewater rafting. We spent a weekend in Philadelphia and New York. I spent a weekend on the waverunner in Tampa. I read many books. It was all good.

The coming year is going to be different from any other. David begins working. We’re going to renovate our kitchen. Starting a family is in our very near future. Life as we know it will change, and I think I am ready for that.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I have a chronic problem of trying to overacheive way beyond my capabilities, and my resolutions were always indicative of this. I could type several pages of resolutions, with categories such as health, books, and spirituality. It was a good intentioned pathway to my own personal hell. One thing that David has taught me is self-acceptance, and it is only through his influence that I no longer make resolutions. But I’m still a Type-A, goal-oriented person through and through. What I’m loosely planning on in 2007:

• A lot of house renovations
• A lot more reading (I like the 50 books a year concept)
• A lot more writing (this is an exercise in patience, which I desperately need)
• And of course, a lot more going to the gym

Tune in next year to see how it went.